Two lessons under my belt since last I posted. The first one was really good. It felt great to be back dancing and learning again. Then, the second lesson exploded on the scene. Not exactly sure what happened, but I can only give my side of the story.

We are working on an upcoming showcase number. The first few minutes were just fine … working out bugs, adding new moves, etc. And then … basically, the deterioration of a good lesson gone bad.

In theory, I can do the new choreography, but in practicality I was a mess. I don’t know … I felt weak. My teacher pushed me harder. I knew what was next, but my legs did not obey me. My teacher pushed me harder. I got anxious. I got fearful. I shouldn’t have … what’s the worst that could happen? I fall. I’ve done that several times on that floor. My teacher pushes more.

The more I struggled, the more I sensed my teacher’s angst and disapproval. So, I got more anxious and fearful and just started shutting down mentally and emotionally. You can imagine the effect that had on my ability to dance.

And thus the spiral down. I wasn’t able to stop it. At the end of my lesson time I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I imagined I should probably just not ever go back. I am surprised at how beaten down I felt.

It’s taken me the weekend to admit that I was a big part of why it went so badly. I found myself wanting to blame my teacher for why it went so wrong. But, that would be disingenuous and not fair to him.

I couldn’t do the moves because I’m not physically at a point to do them. That is not his fault, but has a major effect on our dancing together.

And so begins the campaign for developing more strength and flexibility. That’s on me.